


Whatever is Done by Only Me

by Kaiyote



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel-centric (Supernatural), Episode: s08e17 Goodbye Stranger, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:02:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24420268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaiyote/pseuds/Kaiyote
Summary: Post-8x17. Castiel's thoughts on Naomi and the tablet as he comes to a conclusion on how to deal with both.
Relationships: Castiel & Naomi (Supernatural)
Kudos: 8





	Whatever is Done by Only Me

* * *

_I was thinking to myself, “Self, if Cas got away from her by touching the tablet, why would he ever stop touching the tablet?” And then I thought to myself, “Self… He hasn’t stopped touching the tablet, now has he?”_

* * *

_“What broke the connection?”_

He thinks about the question that Dean had asked and that he hadn’t answered—that he hadn’t known the answer _to_ —and remembers... Duality. Naomi’s office; the crypt. Simultaneously existing in both spaces at once. Naomi’s orders; Dean’s pleading. Holding his head in his hands while his fists drove into Dean’s body.

Then: You have to choose, Castiel.

Us or Them.

Choice, _finally_. Somehow Naomi’s words, her inadvertent ‘order’, lending him some small measure of clarity. Dropping his blade ( _them_ ), reaching for the tablet ( _us_ )—

 _The tablet_. Its light and radiance and warmth cutting through the fog in his mind fully; completely.

He realizes, then, with a sudden jolt that sends several heads on the bus turning his way, that it won’t be enough. Should (when) Naomi find and capture him, then there would be nothing she’d stop at to get her hands on the tablet. She wouldn’t _just_ torture him to find it, either; she would reach into his mind and twist it until he was hers again.

It would never be enough to just run away with the tablet or even hide it somewhere (nowhere) safe. If (when) she got her hands on him again, then she would have him, and then his mind, and then the tablet. With the tablet and all its power, she’d be even more of a danger to Heaven and Earth.

 _Its_ _power…_ He unzips the duffel bag and runs his fingers over the tablet, a plan slowly unfurling in his mind.

* * *

_This isn’t the first time I’ve done something like this_ , he thinks to reassure himself as he clutches a knife in one hand, albeit back then it had been a box cutter instead.

He grits his teeth as he carves open his stomach and chest, using his grace to keep blood and organs from spilling out. There’s pain but this is what he _must_ do to protect the tablet (to protect everyone) ( _to protect himself_ ) from Naomi and her machinations.

He sets the knife down on some anonymous diner’s bathroom counter then picks up the tablet with one hand and with his other hand he peels open his flesh. He grunts as he pushes the tablet inside of himself, a new wave of pain rolling over him as he forces it to rest amongst organs and blood and bone.

But then it’s over. The tablet is safely hidden.

He presses his flesh back together, healing it. There isn’t much blood what with his grace having held it back but he still washes his hands in the sink. He buttons his shirt back up and redoes his tie. A rush of relief comes over him as he stares at his reflection in the mirror; there’s something comforting about the way that it’s only himself that he sees in it.

He lightly touches his stomach where the tablet is. Even if (he tries not to think of it as _when_ this time) Naomi captures him, she won’t be able to control him again. Ever again.

* * *


End file.
